"Stand"-It Gets Better

Bullies.

I never understood them.

I was bullied in elementary school. and in middle school. and in high school.

I can remember specific instances when I would come home crying, wondering what I did wrong or why kids were so mean to me. My mom always told me to let it roll of my back, and I was stronger than that, and to just look the other way.

I am stronger than that. But the pain is real. Just because I know I'm a better human being having gone through tough situations doesn't mean I don't still hurt when I think about those days.

I see kids getting bullied all the time. And people say they take a stand. But what about that one little girl that gets picked on every day because she's different and likes to read in class rather than talk? What about that one boy who gets the books knocked out of his hands just because other kids need something to do? What about the bullied and the beaten and the loners who are overlooked because what they are getting picked on for isn't national news.

I'm glad people are taking a stand for gay rights-stand up for what you believe in and don't let anyone tell you differently. So this is me taking a stand. People get bullied for all sorts of reasons. From the outside, nothing would give me a reason to be picked on. I'm short-if anything, that's it. But for years, to endure it, was hard. And it was constant, and never-ending, and it was all over nothing. Just because my bullying points weren't "hot issues" in today's society doesn't mean my pain was any less real. And kids today who are bullied for whatever reason-don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong for feeling the way you do.

When the hurt becomes too much, and you feel like you have no one to go to-talk to someone, anyone. A teacher, a counselor, a pastor, a parent, a babysitter. Someone with authority that can help. And even if all they do is offer a shoulder to cry on and a promise to always be there, take it. Because it's easy to feel lost and feel like no one understands.

Have faith that one day things get better. They do, I promise. I'm flourishing now. I've graduated college and I've got a great group of friends who have shown me what true friendship is, and who keep me grounded. I've got a mother who went to my high school every day for six months trying to get the bullying to stop; she never gave up on me, and never will.

But most importantly, what I learned from everything that I've gone through and all the name calling and all the snide comments, and all the hurtful moments-I've got me. I've grown into someone who knows how to show compassion and can understand the pain and torment, but can also understand the beauty of the world. Who can still smile and still appreciate all the little things. Who still gets up every morning grateful for the opportunity to somehow make a difference. And it's not easy-high school and middle school and even elementary school is a rough time to grow-but through it all, I grew. The rest didn't matter. I became a better person through it all. And at the end of the day, I have to live with myself. And those other people? Yeah, I think about them from time to time. Wonder what they made of their lives. And then I realize how much I can make of mine still-and that's too precious to take away.

I promise, it gets better. Never give up on that. So no matter how are why you are feeling alone, or scared, or unsure...know that someone loves you. Whether it's a parent, a friend, a teacher, a brother, or me, writing a post. It's harder to love someone than it is to hate-it requires you to open your heart and let people in. And while we've all got a little meanness in us, the only thing worth living for is the good. Believe in that.

"Mischief Managed"

I was 11. Or close there to it.

I can remember the first time I heard Harry Potter. My mom had bought the first two for my older sister. She wasn't too invested in them. My mother had the brilliant, and I mean absolute brilliant idea, to read to us in the car on trips. When we'd head out of town with someone else, my mom would sit in the passenger seat and she'd read us Harry Potter.

Since then, I have all 7 copies in hard cover, with my 7th one falling apart because I read it so much. I find myself grabbing a Harry Potter novel when I'm confused and just need to remember which way my heart is going. I read Harry Potter when I'm bored and have nothing else to read. I read Harry Potter when I just want to remember how easy it is to get lost in the pages of a novel, even if I've read it a hundred times.

Last night, I saw a chapter of my childhood close. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the last and final movie, came out. It's all over. There are no more books, and no more movies. And I'm excited to see how awesome the movie was, as well as sad to know that it's actually over. I find it fitting that it all comes to a close after I recently graduated college. How appropriate that my childhood series comes to an end just as my actual childhood feels as though it is ending.

The movie series is brilliant. Being a fan of the books, I always find something to obsess about what they did wrong or what could have been better. But in looking at the movies as a whole, they are quite good. Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter matured from an 11 year old with the talent to a 22 year old with skill. Rupert Grint as Ron Weasley became a favorite of mine and I loved seeing how he changed. Emma Watson as Hermione brought my favorite character to life and showed that girls can do things just as well as boys can. These three brought the books to life, as though these roles were written for them. However, the movies have NOTHING on the books.

I love to read. I read all the time, anything and everything.
However, I've never found a series that has gotten me through thick and thin quite like Harry Potter. I've taken at least one of the seven novels on vacation with me since I began collecting them.

Harry Potter tells a story of magic. A young boy who had never found his place suddenly, at 11, finds out he is a wizard and goes to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Throughout the novel he his helped by an odd assortment of people to defeat Voldemort (excuse me, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named). His best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger are with him every step of the way.

Throughout the novels, readers are introduced to a battle much larger than just Harry's. Younger generations are taught morals and the valuable lesson such as good and evil, right and wrong. Harry grows up considerably and learns how to rely on others as well as see how truly wonderful it is to have a good heart and to love.

I grew up with Harry. In a world where things get confusing and lost in translation, I always found myself getting lost in the world Harry Potter called home. I learned to follow my heart and trust my head by reading these books. I learned that every teenager goes through the same things despite the fact that all of us feel like we're alone. I learned that just because one chapter closes, it doesn't mean it's over forever.


"No story lives unless someone is willing to listen."-J.K. Rowling. The wonderfully witty author of this incredible series said it best. Harry Potter is a story worth reading. It will impact you. It will allow you to get lost in someone else's fantasy for a bit, and it might even teach you a few things.

Thank you J.K. Rowling for a wonderful series, and letting the world become friends with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. I hope my own children will appreciate their friendship as much as I have-for Harry's story will live on for years to come.

I Will Be

21 days.
In 21 days, I will be a college graduate.
Whoa.
I wish there were words that could explain how I feel. I'm elated, I'm terrified, I'm so sure of who I am, and then I'm not at the same time. It's a whole mess of emotions that no one really gets unless you've been through it or if you're going through it.

There is a song I have been listening to a song called "I Will Be" by Wynonna Judd. Now, I'll be honest-not a big fan of the Judds. I love my country, but they are too country for me. However, I ran across this song the other day and the lyrics just really hit me.

"I could choose to keep my feet upon the beaten path.
Never cross the open field for the one snake in the grass.
But I'd rather risk my heart than never get the chance
To find my way-to find my way.

I will be here, I will be strong
I'll face my fears when the night is long
And still go on.
I will be brave, I will be bold
Follow my faith to a higher road.
And I'm not there yet-but I will be."

Here lately when everything is so up in the air and I honestly don't know what I'll be doing in the next few months, I have found comfort in this song. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I will be. I will be strong and brave and bold on going after what I want, and if it doesn't work out then I'll go down trying. But I'll go on and follow my faith.

I will be. I will be. I will be. 21 days. Let's do this.

"Bright Morning Stars"

This post is different than my other posts. While I will incorporate music, I actually want to talk about a television show I watch.

I have been watching "Army Wives" since the show premiered five years ago. I was a senior in high school and from the beginning I was hooked. I was curious to see how the spun the tale of being in the army, considering I have family members who serve or have served in the past. For the most part (yes, it is a television show so they add stuff for drama) it seems to be what I would picture military life like for the spouses (non-military) back home.

Last night was the fourth episode of the 5th season. And it was hands down one of the best things I have ever seen on television. One of the main wives, Denise Sherwood, is told that her son Jeremy was Killed in Action. To make matters worse, his fiancee Tonya here's the news at the exact same time--for they were at a wedding shower for Jeremy and Tonya. Throughout the episode, we see how Denise's friends and family cope and lean on each other during this extremely difficult time. We see how Frank, Jeremy's father who is also deployed, comes home with his son's body and has the difficult task of trying to keep it together for the military, for his wife, and for his family. We see other families trying to grasp the awfulness and come to terms with the fact with the fact that they could lose a loved one at any time due to war.

I have only been to one military funeral in my life, and that was my great-grandfathers. It was different automatically because he was not killed in action but rather lived a full long life and passed away at a ripe old age. This episode was hard to watch with my cousin deploying in a month--I pray every day and night that nothing happens to him but we are not guaranteed that. Last night's episode snapped me back into reality, believe it or not, to how fragile life can be. And how it doesn't matter if you're just about to get married, or if you've just had a baby, or if you've just lost a loved one. Life doesn't work out like we plan sometimes, and that's the hardest thing to face.

I've heard people saying all across the internet this morning that it was not a good show and that the writers should have been more respectful to the military and the spouses who do face these tragic circumstances. Honestly, I think it was very well acted and written and beautifully done. While it wasn't the easiest thing to see and definitely had me crying the whole time, to me (even though I have always been a fan) for the first time the show actually brought a sense of reality to it. These five women have all been on post together for five years--they've made several comments how that doesn't usually happen yet it doesn't seem like any of them are going anywhere anytime soon. So to have something so realistic, where someone who was just beginning life is cut down and loses his life, it definitely made me see how hard and noble and heartbreakingly beautiful being in the army can be sometimes.

I wanted to thank everyone, especially my Uncle Ed, my Aunt Renea, and my cousin Ben for serving currently in the military. I am so honored to have you in my life and I am so grateful for you to be willing to fight for our country. Thank you to my mom who was int the army, my grandfather, and my great-grandfather who all came back safely. Thank you for your service and showing me how awesome serving in our military can be.

At the end of the episode, there is a song played "Bright Morning Stars" and it's beautiful. There is a little bit of music throughout the episode, but at the end when Denise and Frank are standing by their son, the haunting words of this song just bring it all the more to focus how life in the military works--sometimes you lose loved ones and sometimes you have to experience the loss. I'm grateful I haven't lost anyone. Thank you, Army Wives, for putting together such a brilliant show.

"Some days the sky's so blue I feel like I can talk to you. I know I might sound crazy. It ain't fair you died too young, like a story that had just begun but death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, and all the hell that I've been through just knowing no one can take your place. Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today."


I heard this song on the radio today and it made me stop and think. There aren't many days that go by that I don't think about the people in my life that I've lost that I miss on a constant basis. Most have lived good full lives and I thank God that they had the opportunity to touch my life and share their experiences and their wisdom with me. I've also had people in my life that were taken way too early for my liking.


My sophomore year of college a friend of mine I knew in high school was killed in car accident. Chelsea and I weren't exceptionally close but I considered her a friend. Playing softball with her was one of the best experiences of my life and I will never forget her helping me learn to bunt. She and my sister were really close and when I was going through some hard times in high school I knew that my sister and her friends (Chelsea and a few others that I thank God for all the time as well) would have my back. So when I got the news that Chelsea had passed away everything I knew was different. At 19, someone that I was close to had lost their life. I was 19 and I had no idea what I was doing-I had a general idea of what I wanted to do after college but I honestly felt like I was wasting time just trying to figure it out. I thought that I should have a better understanding because she had her opportunity taken away from her. I was angry that she was gone, sad for her family and friends, and confused that someone who had seemed so invincible in high school was no longer around. I lost myself somewhere along the way, unsure of how to go on when someone so young had lost their life. However, I've found my way and am at a place where I am myself again.

Now, two years later and having just marked Chelsea's 22nd birthday, I find myself smiling now rather than crying when I think of her. I find myself missing the days of playing softball whereas before I had trouble even walking on a softball field after her accident. I find myself looking at pictures from those days and talking to my sister about how she and Chelsea always had my back.

College has taught me that moving on doesn't mean forgetting. In my four years of college I have lost a few people and it always makes me sad, but I think I'm finally understanding that the best thing I can do is live my life to the fullest and experience everything my Grandaddy did, and all the things that Chelsea won't get the chance to. I can live for me and for her, and I can carry her with me.

The chorus posted at the top of this post is from Kenny Chesney's song "Who You'd Be Today." Hearing this song reminded me once again how shaped I am by music. As I am getting ready to graduate college I find myself thinking about Chelsea wondering who she would be and what she would be doing with her life-I frequently think that about the people I knew in high school and the ones I have met in college I didn't keep in touch with. Sometimes I wonder who they are today and I wonder what their life would be like. I haven't heard this song for close to three years-since before Chelsea's accident. Hearing it today was a breath of fresh air that carried heartache on it's wings-I think I physically felt my heart ache. But I KNOW-without a doubt-that I needed to hear it.

I hope some of you feel the same way about music that I do-that it can change your mood in an instant and one song can impact you for a lifetime.

I Won't Give Up

Okay, sometimes I hate to admit it, but my guilty pleasure is a television show called One Tree Hill. It is sort of like a train wreck: it's awful but you can't help but look. Well, one of the reasons I love this show (yes, I admit it fully, I LOVE IT)is that the music is phenomenal. They play a lot of music most wouldn't know about off the top of their head (The Weepies, Kate Voegele, Augustana, just to name a few) but have really great music.

The other day I was watching an episode and Jana Kramer, who plays a character on the show named Alex, recently performed on the show. Her single is called "I Won't Give Up."

As soon as the music started I got chills (I have a soft spot for acoustic music.) Then I listened to the lyrics. Now, I have a method of knowing when a song hits me. I literally stand still-I don't move. It's as if I can't. I can't do anything except listen to the music and the words and soak it all in. That's how it was with "I Won't Give Up." Nothing else mattered in that moment except listening to that song.

As of date, I've listened to "I Won't Give Up" a total of 53 songs on my ipod, and 21 on my computer. I downloaded it not even a week ago. It's amazing. The lyrics focus on not walking away from someone and having faith in them, even when they don't have faith in themselves. Sometimes we get hurt or mad or upset with people when they aren't living up to expectations or what you think is right. And sometimes people fall short. It's just a matter of not giving up on someone and trusting them and believing in them. I see it as how Jesus will never give up on me and He will always believe in me and always stay with me, even when I feel like I am driving down a pitch black road and I can't see out in front of me. The lyrics are posted below, and I hope everyone listens to it.

Don't say that love is something you won't try again
That's just not true
But baby right now maybe what you need's a friend
I'm here for you

I will be by your side
If ever you fall deep in the dead of the night
Whenever you call
And I won't change my mind
No, I'll see you through
And I won't give up
No I won't give up
I won't give up on you

You need someone who knows you from the inside out
The way I do
I've seen you walk the wire never looking down
I believe in you

I will be by your side
If ever you fall deep in the dead of the night
Whenever you call
And I won't change my mind
No, I'll see you through
And I won't give up
No I won't give up
I won't give up on you

I will be by your side
If ever you fall deep in the dead of the night
And I won't give up
No I won't give up
I won't give up
You can call it love
But I won't give up on you.

Dream

"I had a dream. That I could fly from the highest swing...I had a dream."

I was watching You've Got Mail the other day. Meg Ryan is sitting at her computer typing out an email to Tom Hanks. She makes a beautiful speech about her life.
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

This quote makes me think about my life. Which leads me to this song that I've been listening to a lot. It's called Dream. And I just feel like I have all these dreams that I seem to have forgotten about because I have bills and I have responsibilities. And I'm wondering-how to I balance a dream that won't pay well with the responsibilities that I've got?

"I had a dream that I could fly from the highest swing, I had a dream..." I sometimes just wish I could go back to being the little girl that dreamed big and really though she could fly, and would be okay. Now, I know I'll break bones and I'll be hurt. It's not as simple as it once was-nothing's black and white, nothing is easy, and sometimes you have to tread lightly.

But. Even though all of that-things are good. I've got a good life. I'm stressed, like everyone else. But...at the end of the day, I know things are going to be okay.